70 It’s So Cold Jokes for When You’re Chilling with Friends

It’s so cold outside! At least in some parts of the world.

The upside is that, no matter how chilly it is where you are, the chances are there are much worse places to be. If you don’t believe us, here is an interesting fact:

The lowest temperature recorded on Earth (directly at ground level) was -89.2 °C (−128.6 °F) in Antarctica all the way back in 1983!

Still, we understand that you are not a fan of the cold, and this useless fact doesn’t do you much good. But is there a better way to pass the time than to complain about how freezing it is? If you’re looking for a good laugh to warm up your day or night, you have come to the right place.

Let’s dive right in!

It’s So Cold Jokes

1. It’s so cold outside when we milked the cows we got ice cream.

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2. It’s so cold outside we didn’t clean the house; we just defrosted it.

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3. It’s so cold outside Starbucks started serving coffee on a stick.

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4. It’s so cold outside my mustache shattered when I laughed!

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5. It’s so cold outside my shadow ended up freezing on the sidewalk.

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6. It’s so cold outside; I ate ice cream to warm myself up.

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7. It’s so cold outside that Pickpocketers were keeping their hands in strangers’ pockets to make them warm.

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8. It’s so cold outside the optometrist is giving away free ice scrapers with eyeglasses.

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9. It’s so cold outside that Polar bears started to buy fur coats to keep themselves warm.

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10. It’s so cold outside politicians have their hands in their own pockets.

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11. It’s so cold outside that squirrels in the park are throwing themselves against the electric fence.

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12. It’s so cold outside that dogs are wearing cats.

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13. It’s so cold outside teenagers aren’t embarrassed by acne. They’re embarrassed by goose pimples.

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14. It’s so cold outside our words froze, and we had to take them to the fireplace to thaw them so we could listen to what we were talking about.

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15. It’s so cold outside my mother is giving us hot sauce instead of serving coffee.

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16. It’s so cold outside you have to kick a hole in the air just to get outside.

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17. It’s so cold outside we had to put superchargers on the electric blankets!

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18. It’s so cold outside the kids at school are using flannel notebooks!

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19. It’s so cold outside that if you peed your pants, you’d either have to have them chiseled off or be stuck in them until the spring thaw.

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20. It’s so cold outside I happened to chip a tooth on my soup.

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21. It’s so cold outside you needed defrosters – just to have a good cry!

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22. It’s so cold outside I had to sleep with a block heater strapped to my head so Mom could get me moving in the morning!

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23. It’s so cold outside that Boy Scouts offered to de-ice little old ladies!

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24. It’s so cold outside that when I needed local anesthesia – the dentist told me to stick my head out the window!

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25. It’s so cold outside you can forget about starting the car – the block heater wouldn’t even start! We needed heaters for the block heaters!

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26. It’s so cold outside the kids had to stay inside all week. As a result, parents are now organizing a “teacher appreciation day.”

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27. It’s so cold outside a flasher rushed up to poor Mrs. Flannigan – and described himself!

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28. It’s so cold outside down at the city morgue; you couldn’t tell the stiffs from the guys who worked there!

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29. It’s so cold outside the men didn’t trim their mustaches and beards – when the hair got too long, they’d just break a little bit off!

More It’s So Cold Outside Jokes

30. It’s so cold outside we couldn’t go out, so we played with our ball and bat in the living room. We invented “vaseball”! Now we’re in the dugout.

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31. It’s so cold outside a comedian was rushed to the hospital after being pelted with frozen tomatoes!

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32. It’s so cold outside that Ben and Jerry branched out into the igloo construction business to utilize unsold blocks of ice cream.

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33. It’s so cold outside that kids’ grades seem to be improving at school – when you apply the wind chill factor, a 57% looks like 93%!

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34. It’s so cold outside we had to push the house down the street to jump-start the furnace!

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35. It’s so cold outside everyone wanted to make antifreeze – so we hid her woolly pajamas!

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36. It’s so cold outside the barbershop was doing a booming business in thermal hairpieces!

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37. It’s so cold outside our aquarium didn’t need any glass. The downside? The fish were motionless!

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38. It’s so cold outside we had to wear so many layers of clothing that if you fell down, you just had to stay there until somebody found you and rolled you home!

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39. It’s so cold outside a man stumbled into the coffee shop and yelled:

Perk me!

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40. It’s so cold outside we had to stop eating with metal cutlery. Some people walked around for days with spoons or forks stuck to their tongues!

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41. It’s so cold outside that desperate attempts to warm up resulted in several cases of deep-fried fingers!

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42. It’s so cold outside that hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!

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43. It’s so cold outside; kids were using a new excuse to stay up late:

But Mom, my pajamas haven’t thawed out yet!

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44. It’s so cold outside that when I dialed 911, a recorded message said to phone back in the spring!

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45. It’s so cold outside roosters were rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!

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46. It’s so cold outside the travel agency was advertising tropical vacations in Igloolik!

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47. It’s so cold outside Grandpa’s teeth were chattering – in the glass!

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48. It’s so cold outside Levi Strauss started manufacturing electric jeans!

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49. It’s so cold outside we had to chop up the piano for firewood – but we only got two chords.

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50. It’s so cold outside the dogs had to put jumper cables on the rabbits – just to get them running!

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51. It’s so cold outside we had to carry around hammers and chisels so we could get out of our parkas!

It’s So Cold Jokes One Liners

52. It’s so cold outside we pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled inside it to warm up!

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53. It’s so cold outside Playboy magazine stopped publishing because no women would take their clothes off.

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54. It’s so cold outside people with traffic tickets would plead guilty and beg for the electric chair!

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55. It’s so cold outside when we parked the sled, we either had to plug in the dogs – or keep them running in place!

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56. It’s so cold outside beauty contestants had to draw pictures of themselves for the swimsuit competition! It was the first time talent was an asset in that event!

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57. It’s so cold outside UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii!

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58. It’s so cold outside the snowflakes froze in the air. Birds hopped from one snowflake to another to get into the trees.

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59. It’s so cold outside my mail broke when I tried to pry open the envelope!

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60. It’s so cold outside the fake Rolex sellers were selling fake heaters!

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61. It’s so cold outside my dental fillings became dislodged due to the constant shivering!

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62. It’s so cold outside I actually enjoyed it when someone spilled scalding hot coffee on my lap!

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63. It’s so cold outside Mr. Smith’s toupee turned white for the winter!

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64. It’s so cold outside the muggers were calling in sick!

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65. It’s so cold outside that when I got sick – Mom had to give me a block of chicken soup!

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66. It’s so cold outside a streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring.

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67. It’s so cold outside the snowman knocked on the door and asked to sleep on the couch!

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68. It’s so cold outside my Dad was wearing golfing gloves on both hands!

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69. It’s so cold outside you could pick up used vans cheap down at “Ice Cream Vendor Surplus.”

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70. It’s so cold outside the snowman knocked on the door and asked to sleep on the couch!