70 Best Coffee Jokes to Wake You Up & Kickstart Your Day

Coffee jokes are the best way to fuel you with energy for the day!

Did you know that scientists have successfully turned ground coffee into biodiesel – Car-puccino, a car fuelled by coffee. Keep in mind that this wonderful drink has the potential to fuel your car as well as your soul.

Make yourself a cup of coffee and enjoy our list of 70 funny coffee jokes. P.S. You can also use some of them as pickup lines!

Let’s get right into the list of jokes!

Funny Coffee Jokes

1. What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?

Sanka.

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2. Barista: How do you take your coffee?

Me: Very, very seriously.

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3. What did the Brazilian coffee say to the Indonesian coffee?

“What’s Sumatra with you?”

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4. What do you call sad coffee?

Despresso.

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5. I’m about to have a dangerous cup of coffee…

Safe tea first, though.

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6. What’s the best Beatles song?

Latte Be!

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7. Every morning, I see this exhausted woman who looks like she would murder someone for a cup of coffee.

I really should move that mirror.

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8. Spouse #1: Honey, this coffee tastes like dirt.

Spouse #2: That’s not surprising, dear, it was just ground this morning.

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9. Why should you be wary of 5-cent espresso?

It’s a cheap shot.

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10. How does Moses make his coffee?

Hebrews it.

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11. What do you call the first level of a coffee factory?

The ground floor.

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12. What did the coffee lover name her son?

Joe, obviously.

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13. A tall blonde walks into Starbucks. The barista says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!”

The blonde says, “You have a drink named Tiffani?”

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14. What did the caffeine addict name his cats?

Cream and Sugar.

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15. Why shouldn’t you discuss coffee in polite company?

It can make for a strong and heated debate.

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16. How do you know if you’ve had enough coffee?

Your channel surfs faster without the remote.

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17. Why did the espresso keep checking his watch?

Because he was pressed for time.

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18. How does the serial killer like his coffee?

How he likes his victims—all ground up.

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19. What kind of sugar does Lady Gaga use in her coffee?

Raw raw raw raw raw.

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20. How is divorce like espresso?

It’s expensive and bitter.

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21. A man went to his psychiatrist and complained that every time he drank coffee, he would get a stabbing pain in his right eye.

The psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”

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22. What do you call a cow who’s just given birth?

De-calf-inated!

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23. I just got myself a top-of-the-range coffee maker.

It has a lot of perks.

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24. If the local coffee shop has awarded you “Employee of the Month” and you don’t even work there, you may be drinking too much coffee.

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25. A guy walks into a cafe and orders a coffee to go.

The coffee gets up and leaves.

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26. How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.

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27. What currency can we use to buy coffee in space?

S T A R B U C K S.

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28. Where do birds go for coffee?

To the NESTcafe.

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29. Did you hear about the guy who put little G.I. Joe soldiers at the bottom of his coffee cup?

He’d heard that the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!

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30. What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?

I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!

Best Coffee Jokes

31. “Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.

“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”

“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.

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32. What’s it called when you steal someone’s coffee?

Mugging!

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33. People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning

No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.

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34. I drink so much coffee at work, I consider it part of my daily grind.

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35. Why do I not like hot drinks?

It’s just not my cup of tea.

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36. What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?

I asked for coffee.

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37. I tried brewing my coffee with Red Bull instead of water.

I drank it and left my house to go to work. After 15 minutes I realized I had forgotten my car.

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38. Why did the coffee file a police report?

Because it was mugged.

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39. Why can Starbucks get away with charging outrageous prices for coffee?

Because they have Italian titles for everything!

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40. How does a tech guy drink coffee?

He installs Java!

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41. How do you make Pig Jerky?

Give them some coffee.

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42. What do you call it when cafe customers joke about their coffee?

A brewhaha.

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43. Drinking too much espresso can cause a latte problems.

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44. What does a coffee lover say when they’re hitting on you?

I’ve been thinking about you a latte.

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45. You’re brew-ti-ful.

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46. Why do they call coffee mud?

Because it was ground a couple of minutes ago.

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47. Words cannot espresso how much you bean to me.

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48. Why are Italians so good at making coffee?

Because they know how to espresso themselves.

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49. It’s hard to espresso my feelings for you.

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50. How are coffee beans like kids?

They’re always getting grounded!

Coffee Puns & Jokes

51. We’re the perfect blend.

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52. If you sit down to enjoy a hot cup of coffee, then your boss will ask you to do something that will last until the coffee is cold.

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53. Where have you bean all my life?

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54. What’s the opposite of coffee?

Sneezy.

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55. What’s a barista’s favorite exercise at the gym?

The French press.

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56. Why are all Jewish men required to make a good cup of coffee?

Because according to the Torah, He Brews!

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57. What did the coffees say before their night out?

Let’s stir up some trouble!

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58. Someone stole my coffee cup from work today.

I’m just off down the police station now to look at a few mug shots.

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59. What’s a barista’s favorite morning mantra?

Rise and grind!

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60. How does one bad cup of coffee end a marriage?

One person thinks it’s grounds for divorce.

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61. How did Henry VIII like his coffee?

Decap.

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62. What do you call it when you walk into a cafe you’re sure you’ve been to before?

Déjà brew.

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63. What’s its favorite Bob Marley song?

Don’t Worry, Be Frappé.

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64. What did the barista’s Valentine say?

I can’t espresso my love for you.

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65. What’s a coffee’s favorite karaoke song?

Hit Me With your Best Shot!

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66. What’s the technical name for a pot of coffee at work?

Break fluid.

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67. Soup of the day: Coffee.

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68. A factory worker died today after falling into a vat of coffee. Police say that although it came as a shock to all who knew him, they may take some relief from the fact he didn’t suffer.

It was instant.

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69. Don’t be depresso-ed. You can brew it!

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70. What’s fat, hairy, and drinks a lot of coffee?

Java the Hut!