Trigger warning: Suicidal thoughts and self-harm
“A woman is the full circle. The power to create, nurture and transform is within her” – Diane Mariechild.
Deepti (name changed) is a 32-year-old working mother keen on balancing her career growth and family. She works as an assistant manager in IIFL Finance.
Deepti has participated in sports throughout her school and college, from boxing competitions to athletics.
“I had always been keen on outdoor sports and had always done my best in every sport I took part in.”
Born and raised in Mumbai, Deepti had a good relationship with her parents. However, she describes continually fearing being alone after her parents.
“My father had an arranged marriage before meeting my mom. After he fell in love with my mom, they got married, and my step-siblings never accepted me and my mom since we are from different religious backgrounds. I grew up fearing that I would have nobody after my parents.”
Deepti describes how it reflected in her personality while growing up. She recollects being a people-pleaser as a kid and turning to food for comfort when she feels insecure. Despite being in sports, Deepti was overweight, and she was often made fun of by others for it, along with hearing racist comments about her skin tone.
When Deepti got married, she felt hopeful about her future. Even though she was finally in a secure relationship, Deepti explains that she started questioning her motherhood after an incident with her daughter.
“My kid had an accident at home while I was around. It pushed me to a corner, and I started feeling suicidal.”
Deepti explains that she was clueless about what to do during one of those moments. While randomly browsing the Internet, she found a helpline number and contacted it.
Deepti recollects crying on the call for almost ten minutes before speaking. Although it calmed her, Deepti didn’t find what she sought.
She wanted to give herself another chance and decided to connect with the experts on the YourDOST platform through her company’s subscription.
“When I was having negative thoughts and anxiety, I told myself repeatedly that I needed help, but I wasn’t reaching out to the right people. After a point, I started to self-harm, even using a candle fire. At the right time, I started sessions with Ms Diya.”
Deepti elaborates that even though things didn’t work out with the first counsellor, she connected with Ms Diya for her second session and started to open up as she felt comfortable with her. She explains that the incident happened on a day when Deepti was in the office, and her husband was home taking care of their kid. Her kid had fallen and got herself hurt. Once she got the call, Deepti remembers panicking and rushing home as she didn’t know which hospital they went to.
“My husband called and said our daughter is bleeding and that he was rushing to the hospital. The entire ride to my house and then to the hospital felt horrible for me. I even called my mom to calm myself down, and when that didn’t help, I quickly plugged in random music. If not for that, I might have jumped out of the auto in anxiety.”
Deepti explains that she felt helpless the entire time. Before calling her mom, she even tried reaching out to her friends, and when they didn’t respond, she even spoke to the auto driver and cried for a few minutes.
She started blaming her absence for what happened and thought she was never a good daughter to her parents, a good wife to her husband, or a good mother to her kid. This was when she started having suicidal thoughts for the first time.
Deepti adds that seeing her daughter getting stitches in the operation theatre also made her feel unreasonable anger towards herself and her partner. Still, she kept it to herself without showing it to her partner.
Listening to the mental turmoil Deepti went through and the negative thoughts that followed even after her kid got better, her counselor, Ms Diya, suggested Deepti meet with a trauma specialist.
Deepti took her suggestion and consulted Ms Tanvi Nair to resolve her issues. She says that Ms Tanvi helped her with more steps and measures and guided her towards clinical help. During the sessions, Deepti was asked to do some mindfulness exercises when she wanted to quit her career and felt drained. Deepti adds that it made her feel relieved to an extent.
“Ms Tanvi was a good listener. She helped me understand that I shouldn’t compare my situation with others and that everyone has a different journey and affirmed that I’m doing the best I can.”
Deepti says that her counselor also suggested techniques for her urge to hurt herself, like wearing a rubber band and flipping it when she feels the urge. She was also told to carry a red mark and scribble on her hand when self-harming thoughts emerged.
She also did a trigger journal as part of her therapy and was encouraged to calm herself down with music. After all of these, Deepti elucidates that her thoughts of suicide have significantly reduced, and she started realising that she had to get through this trauma for herself first.
Deepti started to give herself time to heal and take the medication provided by the clinical experts. As she progressed, Deepti thanked her counselors for listening to her when no one else did and being her support system.
“They were very kind to me and added value to my journey. Their presence made a difference for me, and I rate myself as 3.5 out of 5 in improvement.”
We are proud of Deepti for how far she has come and for being a fantastic mother who can grow personally and professionally by working on herself.
Deepti’s warrior tips:
1.“Don’t listen to the comments people say, and think about yourself.”
2.“When there is an issue, speak to someone like an expert who is there to listen, as sometimes speaking out of our hearts is what we need.”
3.“Psychologists are there to guide you toward loving and improving yourself.”
Are you someone who has gone through a difficult phase and emerged stronger and better, with some professional help? Share your story with us to encourage thousands of others who might be struggling. Click here to submit your story.
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